Written By Guest Blogger Ruth C. Bright

 Parenting is a privilege and it’s work, hard work. I’m the mother and parent of 4 adult children. My children have taught me much about myself through the years. I use to live for them until I learned the hard way that it was a form of idolatry. It took something out of me when they were separated from me especially during some very critical stages in their lives. They are about 3-4 years about, with the exception of the first-born and the youngest, they are 10 years apart. My prayer for them has always been that they know God for themselves. Their individual journey has led them to that experience and some struggle where they are but they know how to pray and they recognize the difference between religion and relationship. I believe God will fulfill His promise concerning our children and our children’s children. I’ve never had a 35-year-old daughter before and although I’ve had a 28-year-old daughter she’s nothing like the 35-year-old. I’ve never had a 31-year-old son before and although he was 25 he’s nothing like my 25-year-old son. So I’m not only learning how to parent adult children, I’m  learning how to pray for them differently, support them differently and love them the way God loves me.  It a different place , one I find foreign especially after divorce, much healing needed, much prayer needed and much strength needed. Developing relationships is a process that changes and grows as you and your needs change and grow, not to mention I’ve never been 52 before, been separated and divorced for over 12 years. Loving life and embracing my time alone as I continue to pray for families and relationships to be restored, rebuilt, renewed, and revived through the ministry of reconciliation. Thank you for sharing and allowing me to share. I am ever so grateful to God for the 4 nations He assigned to my hands as I have committed them back to God since they were babies. God is thee ultimate Parent, Father , and Nurturer. I trust Him with their lives as well as mine. Don’t you?

Being a woman who grew up with out ever hearing the word boundaries I really didn’t have an understanding of what they truly were or how they worked. When people had boundaries I misinterpreted them and felt hurt.

The lack of boundaries in my life would cause me to open myself up to many painful situations and reckless relationships. Something as simple as “YOU WILL NOT PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME” wasn’t even in my scope of “DON’T DO”.

There is something inside of us all that singles when something is being done to us that shouldn’t be, but when your boundaries are violated like mine were at such a young age you can become very confused and misguided. Usually a woman who gives her body away for nothing as if it has no value has been in a situation where things were taken from her without her will. She starts to devalue herself because of sexual abuse and other harmful things. And there are cases where abused women do the exact opposite and place so many boundaries up that no one can get it, not even true love. Neither is healthy.

Because people have different boundaries , weak boundaries, or no boundaries at all, they may challenge yours. If your boundaries are for the good and they are set up in an emotionally healthy manner, DO NOT allow anyone to cross them. There may come a time where you will lean a little to the left and to the right for certain people and in certain situations, but for the most part if you have taken the time to think through what works best for your life and your family, your boundaries should stay in place.

I have boundaries in my Coaching Practice and one of them is that I won’t coach men. It really does not matter what their deal is, I won’t do it. I have that boundary set up so that no one can be compromised period. He can’t fall for me, I can’t fall for him and my husband won’t worry, simple because there are no men allowed. It is possible to coach men and none of that ever take place, but I’ve decided that it’s not worth it.

A book that I read really helped me to understand and define my boundaries and I want to recommend it to you, even if you have great boundaries set in place. If you have never read this book it would add to your life so please give it a try!And as always, thanks for reading!

Click the book to go and check it out

There will be times in life when you will have to press FORWARD and follow your DREAMS despite the tears someone sheds, the words they holler,  the discouragement they bark, or the fear they chant. Your dreams are given to you by God and when you pay Him attention and place Him in His rightful place in your life, your calling and purpose becomes clear. You dreams become your life’s missions and true peace you will NOT find until you chase them down and make them a reality, trust me I know.

Relationships are very important, that’s all I talk about right, but the relationships in your life must be in order and prioritized if you want to have a joyful abundant stay on planet earth. Just in case some may not be aware of the order, I’ll list it and briefly explain.

#1:God~ If your relationship with Him isn’t in first place then you can and will find yourself empty. Even a Christian can fall short of this (and they do) and find themselves very unhappy. Putting God in 1st place means you work on building that relationship more than any other relationship. Praying and talking to Him, reading about and studying Him in His Holy Book the Bible, listening to others talk about Him and teaching His ways, and so on.

#2: Yourself~ Did I just lose you? Listen, for some this goes without saying because when we are born we have a natural tendency to care a whole lot about ourselves. But if you were like me, taught that you were not enough, and encouraged to hate what and who you were, then you may struggle with putting yourself in second place. The reason you have to come in second place is because if you are not taking good care of yourself, you won’t be much help to anyone else. A mother who doesn’t feed herself wont be able to produce milk for her own child that she loves dearly. Get the point?

#3: Your spouse~ (If you don’t have one skip to #4) Why, well because God says so in the Bible. The 2 shall become 1 means you are them and they are you. If your want your love to last (and being together forever doesn’t necessarily mean that love is lasting) you’d have them in their rightful place.

#4: Your Children~ (If you don’t have any skip to #5) They are your responsibility, period. They have to come before church ministries and your job because they are your 1st ministry and job. By saying they come before those things I mean in your mind and in your heart they take president.

#5: Family and Friends~ sometimes our friends become our family and this is why this is all number 5. It’s not always easy for some to keep these people at #5 and of course if there is a crisis it may take over a bit, but it has to be OK with the top two.

#6: Acquaintances and Strangers~ They too have a place. Strangers can become #1′s!

From as far back as my mind will allow me to travel I have wanted to be a writer and entertainer. I’ve always found that they both come very natural to me. There are many other things that complete me as well like arts and designing things, but if I couldn’t write, speak, and act, I’d probably lose my mind. Well I have been in that place actually and it’s not peaceful at all. There was a time in my life when all I could focus on was survival for my son and I. But even then I had to be on the choir. I understand that when life is happening it can become very difficult (to some it may seem impossible) to focus on dreams, especially if they are not bringing in any income. But even if most of your time and energy has to be devoted to making ends meet so that you can survive, you mustn’t allow your dreams to die. It could just look like you writing them down in detail in a book then reading over them each week. Maybe writing a list of things to do underneath the goal or dream. You can also pick up a book by someone to get inspiration or study a “How To” book. Even though you may not be able to work diligently on the dream you can still build up your knowledge and when the time comes for you to go all out, you’ll be that much wiser.

This may seem like it has more to do with dreams than relationships but it’s really connected. See, if your relationship with God and yourself are important to you then you will do the things that cause the relationship to thrive. Being who your called to be makes God smile and your heart happy! Try it and see!

Thanks for reading and please don’t forget to subscribe if you haven’t already.

Dear Prudence,

I’m 17 years old and my parents divorced when I was 13. My
younger siblings (13, 11, 8) and I live with our dad. My mother and I have never gotten along; as a pre-teen, she used to tell me I was fatter than my sister and encouraged me to starve myself, nearing pushing me to anorexia. When I was 13, she got drunk and convinced me she was okay to drive before totaling my dad’s car with me in the passenger seat. Now, I keep a hidden camera in my room to prevent her from stealing my money, clothes, and make-up, among other things.
She openly tells me that I am her least favorite child and doesn’t even remember how old I am. I know this looks bad; I’m supposed to be eternally grateful for the sacrifices my mom has made. But what’s there to be grateful for? She left me to raise my 3 siblings while my dad works to support 4 kids on his own. In less than a year, I’m going to move 1,000 miles away for college, so it will be my choice to keep in contact with her or not. Part of me wants to cut my losses, but the other part loves her and remembers how nice she was when I was very little. In addition, my younger siblings treat me like their mother and will likely follow my example when it comes time for them to move out. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Confused Daughter

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Confused Daughter,

I am so sorry to hear about whats been a source of pain in your life. It doesn’t sound fair at all and I hate that you have had to experience it. Although I may not know you personally, I really take it to heart when children are not treated with the love and care that they need and deserve. I know how it feels and that is why it affects me deeply. With that being said my advice is going to come from a place that can be trusted because I too had a parent that struggled with addictions.

Your question was what should you do as far as your relationship goes with your mother when you move away? My advice is to do what feels right in your heart of hearts while paying attention to your feelings and needs. Sometimes we desire things from a person that never plan to give us what we need so badly. An apology, love, appreciation, just to name a few. I don’t know many people who would not want a relationship with their mother, but the truth is, if she isn’t emotionally healed and your relationship with her will only be a source of pain for you, then I would suggest that you set boundaries around your heart to protect yourself. I would say you should write her a letter explaining your hurts and how you feel about your relationship and things that have happened and then let her know that until she seeks some serious help you can’t continue to be apart of her life. Sadly so many people choose not to set these type of boundaries because they think because someone is family that they have to deal with them no matter what, but that’s so far from being true. Our first priority as humans is to take care of ourselves, that’s  the only way we can be of any use and help to anyone else.

I hope this has helped you and I truly wish you the best in life!

P.S. here is an article and a book that I think can be helpful to you.

She’s a Christian Counselor, a Wife, a Mother, a Singer, a Sister, a Writer, a Ministry Leader, a Daughter, and a friend. I want to introduce to you my wonderful sister/friend Nicole Efunnuga (who goes by Nykki). She is a woman anyone could look up to and admire. Not only has she grabbed a hold of her dreams and birthed them into reality, she gives back on so many levels to help others do the same (myself included). In the midst of all that goes on in her life she sat down for a minute and allowed me to pick her brain a bit on the topic of marriage and stuff and I wanted to share that with you!
Mrs. Relationship Stuff: I am so excited and filled with Joy to have you sharing with my readers today! I’m very grateful. You have so much to give and I thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to share with them.
Nykki: I am so honored to be interviewed! I count it a great privilege to share from the well of grace that I’ve been swimming in through this life of mine!
Mrs. Relationship Stuff: You have so many hats and I could go on and on trying to explain who you are, but could you briefly tell my readers who you are please?
 Nykki: I am first a wife of an amazing man of God, Korey, and mother to two beautiful children, Daniel who’s an adult at 25, and little Anaiah who just turned 4. While I find my deepest fulfillment as a wife, mother, and keeper of my home, I am also blessed to serve as a professional Christian counselor in a private practice; as a co-leader of my church’s women’s ministry through which I counsel women as well as co-teach a weekly Bible study; and assist in leading worship and singing with my church’s amazing worship team. I’m also a singer/songwriter who ministers as a solo artist under the name “Nicole Danielle.” Over this past year, I have been blessed tremendously to form a singing/songwriting trio called Beautifully Broken with two sisters who have wonderful hearts for God and amazing vocal prowess, Amanda Davis and Taiye Oludapo. We are currently in the process of recording some music that we hope to have released on an EP in 2013.
Mrs. Relationship Stuff: AMAZING you are! When you were growing up was it more important to be married or to chase your dreams?
Nykki: Honestly, when I was a young child, the only thought I had about marriage was that you needed to be married to have kids. I pretty much only thought about getting married because I eventually wanted to have children and because that’s just what you did when you grew up—got married and had kids. I didn’t really have any romanticized notions about it at all. Thus, it wasn’t very important to me.
Chasing my dreams was probably more important. And, while I sang on choirs when I was a little girl and really had this passion for it, I never dreamed of pursing singing professionally. The dream that I chased as a child was to graduate college and become a nurse. And because I was gifted academically, I was greatly influenced in the direction of reaching that career goal by my parents and educators. Overall, it was more important to me to pursue a career than marriage.
Mrs. Relationship Stuff: When you became a mother did all of your priorities change? If so how?
Nykki: I became a mother at 16 years old, so my priorities definitely got shifted around a bit. I still desired to go to college and become a nurse, but being a mom became my identity, really. I was able to have fun and party and do most of the typical fun things that teenagers do, but I certainly was no longer as carefree, to say the least. Raising my son and guiding him into a successful future became my number one priority. I was thankful to have the consistent help and support of his father, but the weight that parenting bore on my soul caused me to live more day-to-day rather than work harder at setting a solid educational foundation for a future as a nurse. What I mean is that, as a mom, I wanted a job to contribute to my son’s well being, although his father carried pretty much 100% of the load. This meant that instead of continuing in college full-time after my freshman year, I chose to get a full-time job and went to school part-time. School and the pursuit of a nursing degree became secondary and work was primary. Thus, educational/career dreams were pushed to the side or put on hold altogether. And, as a mom, I was okay with that back then.
Mrs. Relationship Stuff: Are your beliefs about marriage the same as they were when you were younger? Please explain.
Nykki: Wow. No, not at all. Like I mentioned earlier, I viewed marriage as a means to an end—to have children. I did not look at the companionship or romantic aspects of it and certainly not the spiritual aspects of it. Most of my beliefs about marriage now come from a biblical world view since I became a born-again Christian (which happened when I was 23 years old), but even that has evolved over the years. When I was young, I only had my parents’ marriage as an example. Their marriage ended when I was 11 years old and that fact really damaged my view of marriage. I then came to the realization that marriages could end and that they can end through adultery (my father committed adultery). And I became fearful of getting married after that, although I was still open to the idea.
I also saw divorce as a viable option for marriage. Even before my parents’ marriage ended, I had this view which I think came from television. My childhood best friend and I used to actually say that we were going to grow up, get married, have two daughters, and then divorce our husbands. And we were only about 7 or 8 at that time! The only examples I saw of divorce at that time were on television.
 I now look at marriage as a covenant relationship between a man and a woman. I believe the man is called to sacrificially lay down his life for his wife and love her as if he was loving himself. I believe the wife is called to respect and support her husband, to willingly choose to submit herself to his loving leadership as head of their home. And I believe this relationship should not be ended except through death or adultery that is ongoing and there is no movement toward change and reconciliation.
Mrs. Relationship Stuff: Powerful stuff! Do you find it difficult to wait on and serve your husband at times? Why and why not?
Nykki: I find it difficult to wait on a husband who is demanding, authoritarian, unkind, unloving, and selfish. I think anyone would feel that way; it’s only natural. It would be odd to see a woman willingly “waiting” on a husband who is that way. However, I know it can be done by God’s grace.
My husband is a wonderful, kind, and generous man…always ready to serve me. I enjoy serving him in the ways that I do and it doesn’t feel difficult at all when he’s acting wonderful, kind, loving, and generous towards me. But even when he’s having a bad moment and may choose not to act as loving or kind, I have “waited” on him by God’s strength. It certainly has felt difficult during those times, but I constantly pray for God to help me be a wife after His heart. And He answers those prayers by helping me to wait on my husband–even when it might feel difficult.
Mrs. Relationship Stuff: Do you think that many women have a misunderstanding about what it is to wait for sex and marriage?
 Nykki: In this day and age, I do believe many women have a misunderstanding about what it is to wait for sex in marriage. I mean, it is difficult not to in a society that deifies sex and sexual expression, where people parade their sexuality like it’s a part of their wardrobe (i.e. they need to put it on display everyday whenever they go out in public). Of course, I’m a Christian and I’m coming from a biblical perspective so my thoughts on the matter will reflect that.
While I understand the difficulties of denying yourself the fulfillment of your sexual desires as a single person (been there, done that!), I will not go along with the mainstream culture and agree that a sexual relationship with a person other than your (current!) spouse is okay. It is not. Waiting until marriage for sex is so utterly beneficial to your mind, body, and soul. We bring enough baggage to our marriage relationships. Sexual involvement before marriage only adds another duffle bag (or suitcase!) to the lot.
I think many women (and men!) view sex from an unhealthy, worldly, and faulty perspective. I talk to women all the time who have views about sex that lead them to believe they must have sex with a man to get him hooked, to get him to marry them, to simply get his attention, or even to feel worthwhile as a woman. Some women even view sex as an expression of their feminine identity and, while it is in part, it certainly is not it in totality. Whatever the case, all those perspectives are based on lies and are surely the speedy route to disappointment—whether now or later.
Mrs. Relationship Stuff: Wow, shut it down with the knowledge did ya! That was very meaty. What would your advice be to women who are doing all the right things, but still are not being approached by worthy men?
Nykki: Well, part of that depends on what “doing all the right things” means. If you are not being approached by worthy men, first do some reflective personal inventory. In other words, check your heart…your inner world. What are your beliefs about marriage? What is your value system? What is your worldview? Do you know who you are and what your purpose is in this life—that unique aspect of yourself that only you can bring to this world?
I believe a woman must know who she is and have some idea of what her God-given purpose is first and foremost because from this comes her sense of security. She needs to be secure within, knowing who she is and WHOSE she is. As a Christian, of course, my view is that our security and the knowledge of who we are and what our purpose is stems from our relationship with God.
Yet, if a woman is secure and knows who she is and she is still not being approached by “worthy men”, she needs to continue in whatever God has called her to and rest in Him until she is approached. Of course, this is not a passive activity. She needs to be growing inwardly and fulfilling her purpose outwardly. Be busy living your life—whether you are approached or not. That in itself is attractive to many men.
Also, do not allow disappointment with not being approached drive you to acting in less than attractive ways. A woman does not need to strategize or manipulate or try to influence a man to approach her. If a man is “worthy”, he WILL approach. A “worthy” man is one who knows who he is and what his purpose is. He is secure in his manhood and defines his masculinity based on what God says about him. Thus he has little difficulty approaching a woman and responds to his inner God-given design and drive to initiate connection and pursue a woman of whom he’s interested. He is strong inwardly and seeks to edify, support, and build up a woman rather than looking to her to simply be a support to him. A “worthy” man has integrity and is willing to patiently earn a woman’s trust rather than demand it from the outset. He seeks and strives to live a life of purity. And a “worthy” man looks to Christ for everything and submits to Him willingly—even though he may stumble at times.
Now, I must say this: Women must understand that while there are so many “worthy” men out there, there are also probably a larger percentage of men who simply are not. And that reality means that there will likely be less “worthy” options out there. Second, women must understand more importantly that many men do not know what it looks like to be “worthy” in many of the ways mentioned here and specifically in regard to approaching women. They simply don’t know how perhaps because of a lack of positive examples in their lives, because their getting conflicting messages about what being a “worthy” man looks like (from society and us!), or whatever. Thus, we women need to extend a little grace and allow men to grow and learn…from other MEN. We can’t teach them. Remember this: Men learn how to be “worthy” men in the presence of other “worthy” men…(but that’s a whole other topic!). :-)
  Another important thing to note is that the issue of men approaching women to pursue them romantically for the purpose of marriage is a big one in the Church. Women tend to be frustrated with the lack of “worthy” men approaching them and men tend to be frustrated with the lack of approachable women. It is my belief that the underlying issue is really a problem with both genders. I believe that this world and the enemy of our souls has so distorted and deceived us all about our masculine and feminine identities that we generally do not act according to the biblical definitions of manhood and womanhood. Thus, we struggle in our relationships with one another—even in the early stages of simply getting together. If Satan’s goal is to destroy marriages (and anything else that glorifies God), it’s really not a reach to say that he tries to keep people from getting married in the first place. Would it not be a surprise he would throw hindrances in the way to the formation of godly courtship’s and dating relationships? Thus, I also believe he is at work regarding this issue. While it is beyond the scope of this interview (and this question) to delve further into this specifically, I do believe that this reality of Satan’s influence must be considered in light of the struggles that many of us women have with not being approached by “worthy” men despite us doing “all the right things”.
Overall, if you are a woman who considers yourself to be doing “all the right things” and you have yet to be approached by a “worthy” man, do not fret. Without trying to sound trite or cliché, God is definitely in control. Understand that if its God will for you to marry, you WILL marry. Nothing can thwart God’s plan for your life—not you, not any man, and not Satan. If it is not His will for you to marry, you will not…and that is okay, too—even if it feels like death. A full, vibrant life is still possible even if you don’t have a date.
My general advice for any single sister is this: Keep your eyes on God, continue to listen to and obey His voice alone, live out your God-given purpose and enjoy your life in Christ, and trust God to draw that “worthy” man’s attention to you when the time is right. And if you find that somehow the years keep passing by and you still haven’t been “found”, rest in the fact that God “finds” you over and over again—even when you get sick of Him and want to turn your back. He loves us with a love that is relentless. Nothing—not even marriage and the love of a “worthy” man—can compare to the soul-deep satisfaction that comes from experientially knowing the love of Love Himself!
Mrs. Relationship Stuff: That was a mouth full! That was beautiful! Lastly, is this topic something you can offer women help on within your Counseling services?
Nykki: Certainly! I am very passionate about helping single women understand and appreciate the unique beauty they were created to be as well as navigating the single life. I want to help and encourage women—particularly those who find it difficult to feel worthy or lovable or do not know how to relate in healthy ways to men. God poured a tremendous amount of wisdom through other women onto me when I was a single woman. I simply want to “pay it forward” and share the wealth.

More Info
Nicole Efunnuga, M.S. Founder of Heart Mission Therapy Services
website: heartmission.org email: info@heartmission.org phone: 267.607.9149
blog: heartmissiontherapy.wordpress.com
Facebook: facebook.com/heartmissiontherapy
Nicole Danielle Singer and Song Writer
Current Album “I Worship You” is available for download on iTunes, Amazon, CD Baby and Napster. If you would like to purchase a hard copy of this CD, send an email request to heiressoflife@gmail.com or it can be purchased from the bookstore in Antioch of Calvary Chapel located at 4721-23 Chestnut Street Philadelphia, PA 19139

Music Samples: myspace.com/heiressoflife
Artist Fan page: facebook.com/nicoledaniellesings

Click Book To Sample

Although children require a huge amount of attention, God never intended them to take over our lives in such a way that we don’t dream, live, or become. Being a parent is a very fulfilling and rewarding duty, but it isn’t our only assignment in life. It’s unwise to stop living and learning and growing in your gift just because you have children. If you only live for them and because of them, what happens when they grow up and go out to live for themselves or God forbid pass away?

If you enjoy knitting, knit and look into a way you can sell your creations. If you enjoy teaching, see if you can get a few parents to allow you to home school their children or something like that. Singers can still sing, dancers can still dance and so on.

Making your children a priority has nothing to do with not making yourself one. I’m not talking about neglecting your children and putting all of your goals and dreams ahead of them, I’m simply saying don’t die at the birth of your children, you are still a person whom God wants to use in many other ways. Know your worth and know your gifts!

Some may wonder why a loving parent would say things to their young child that tore them down and caused them to feel less than acceptable. Some may argue the point that loving parents don’t spew out harmful negativity because that’s not what love does. But what if that same parent says “I love you” to their child on occasions? What if that same parent gives approval and admiration as well? The child can then become confused. Sometimes they feel loved and when they don’t, they try their best to win their parents acceptance, approval, and love by performing works.

Sometimes they are met with more negative words and so they try harder and harder until they receive those words that heal and cause them to feel loved. Now what if the bad outweighs the good? The child will start to believe the bad because it’s coming from someone they believe loves them. They are too young to know themselves and are still growing, becoming, trying to figure out what they like, and don’t like. Who they are is defined by the adults in their lives that are supposed to love and care for them. (Until they can grow to be an adult and redefine themselves…hopefully.)Because they are the parents, the child assumes they should know.

Here is a list of things I was told about myself when I was a child by my guardians and other adults close to me.

1. You are evil.
2. You are mean.
3. You are hateful.
4. You are hyper active.
5. You are too silly.
6. You are crazy.
7. You are too fresh.
8. You are bad.
9. You are dumb.

10) You ain’t s_ _ t and you never will be.

It was very hard for anyone to convince me that I was anything but those things that I was told by my loved ones. Yet, something inside of me wanted to believe and I fought and I fought and I fought. Then I met God and jumped headfirst into a relationship with Him and he helped me to win the fight. He said I was in fact precious, wonderful, and a good thing! I believed Him. He created me so I figured He should know!

Psalm 139:14

¹⁴ I will give thanks unto thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: Wonderful are thy works; And that my soul knoweth right well.

Proverbs 18:²² 

He who finds a wife finds what is good, gaining favor from the Lord.

Don’t allow people, circumstances, trials, or negativity to define you. Leave that to your Creator, He knows who you are, who you will become, and who you are meant to be. He knows everything about you down to the number of hairs on your head, before, during, and after you comb it.

Matthew 10:29-31

²⁹ Aren’t two sparrows sold for a small coin? But not one of them will fall to the ground without your Father knowing about it already. ³⁰ Even the hairs of your head are all counted. ³¹ Don’t be afraid. You are worth more than many sparrows.

Building a healthy relationship with your Father in heaven and yourself is essential before you think about becoming one with another. Start there and be prepared.

What are some things you’ve done or are currently doing to prepare for a husband?

How hard do we work at our relationships with those that we say we love? Is it at the same level as our educations or careers; or is it more? Because people grow and change (in healthy relationships) it’s necessary to grow and change and work harder even to stay on top of things. To stay in fellowship or to stay in love takes work, hard work. And if anything else is assumed, than anything is incorrect.

How badly do you desire the relationship to work? Then that’s how hard you need to work on it.

5 Ways To Work Harder

1) Ask questions to see what’s changed if anything and to stay current. (This shows love and interest.)

2) Read books and healthy articles that improve yourself for relationships.

3) Check in to see if your loved one/friend needs are being met. If you find it’s some where you are lacking, do your best to change that.

4) Be in a great relationship with yourself. (Take great care of yourself spiritually, mentally, emotional, physically, and otherwise.)

5) Don’t ever assume that just because your loved one/friend knows you love and care for them that going the extra mile to show it is unnecessary.

So first off, I want to say as a parent to a baby, then toddler, then kid, then teenager, now an adult,  I have some experience in parenting. The ins and the outs, the highs and the lows. In my opinion, it only takes one child to become an expert (especially if that child decides to possess multiple personalities at each stage in their lives).

I am writing today because I am yet again grieving the loss of my son. But not his life, he is here. I’m grieving the son that I planned on him being, the future that I planned on him having, the successes I planned on him achieving, the husband and father that I instructed him to be, and the path I laid out for him to travel. Whether it is to be or not, I’m grieving it all and letting it go! Not hope, I’ll never give up hope. Just my ideas of how it’s supposed to look and come into being.  The Bible says “Train up a child in the way that he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it” Proverbs 22:6.  Let’s just say I’ve learned to focus on and put emphasis on the word old and trust God, not my own plans, investments, desires, and personal goals for him.

I realized I had to let my son go before the age of 18, the age society says he’s not grown yet. He decided to be grown sooner than that and I had to deliver him into the hands of God and trust that everything I (and later my husband) instilled into him HE would see come to pass. It’s not always going to look like what you thought it would look like, and if it does, all glory, I mean ALL glory belongs to God and God alone. I know some believe if you save them from a hostile environment, from negative people, from a failing school system, from being bullied and so on, that most mistakes and hardships (at least the huge ones) can be avoided. But the truth of the matter is we’re not writing their stories and we are not living their lives. You talk, you train, you lectured, you show, and you raise them. Then they decide who they’re going to be, which roads they’ll take, and which mistakes they’re going to make in life. Unfortunately we don’t. And if we think that we do, we’re the one’s making a huge mistake! If we believe that all of our hard work and determination is a guarantee to some type of reward for our investment, we are highly mistaken. This may sound like I’m repeating myself, but I feel like it’s important enough to say in several ways.

Whether a child comes from great parents or destructive parents, who they become is up to them. That’s not to say that you don’t put time, unconditional love, and unimaginable energy into them, but if you find your self losing it a lot because they are not listening, you may need to check your motives and your expectations. There are a lot of parents out there that promise if you whip them, discipline them, don’t spoil them, and so on that you too can have an honor roll – over achieving child. You’ve heard them right? “Chile I don’t play that! He/she better not…” Before long you’ll be thinking you’re a horrible parent and doing all the wrong things. If you’ve ever even thought it a little bit, this is for you! Like myself you may be in a situation where you have to grieve the future that you had in mind for your child/children.

I spent many years in depression and sickness because I was not seeing the results of all my hard work put into my child. I’m writing this today so that you don’t have to. At some point, I do hope and pray that every seed that was planted will sprout into something beautiful. If it doesn’t, that’s going to be okay too. I have forgiven myself for the parenting mistakes that I’ve made and I have encouraged myself as well. I gave from what I knew and did the best that I could with all that I had. At the end of the day and the beginning of the morning, that is all anyone can do. Be the best parent that you know how to be, read any book that you feel is going to be beneficial, pray, fast, seek healthy advice and council. Do everything that you feel led to do to ensure your child has a great start and an awesome future. But then relinquish control over to God and trust that his scripture will come to pass, even if you do not live to see it. Do not spend your days, weeks, and years worrying about things that you cannot change, fix, or control. And when your child becomes an adult, (whichever age that is for them) whether it be 15, 18, or 21, realize that letting them go is the best way that you can love them and love yourself at the same time.